One of my friends in grad school is a woman named Olivia. The other night, we were both supposed to be reading or writing (the only two things you really have to do to get an MFA in creative writing). Instead, we were texting and I was doing the New York Times Connections puzzle while she was watching Christmas movie.
In December 2020, when we were all in the thick of our first year of lockdowns and I hadn’t really left my apartment in almost nine months, I kept Christmas movies streaming constantly just to feel something. One day I had the idea to rate and review every offering in the Holiday category of the multiple streaming services to which I am subscribed. I had time.
I reread the essay before emailing it to Olivia and I found myself genuinely amused by my own thoughts. I hoped it would make her chuckle as well. That’s most of the reason I write anyway. To entertain myself and hopefully my friends. Since it’s that time of year, I figured now is as good a time as any to share it with you, too.
I believe you cannot judge Christmas movies by the same standards that we judge all other movies. We hold expectations for most movies that they will provide certain basic requirements: good writing, proper casting, acting that accommodates the words on the page, etc. We buy into a contract of shared agreement that we, as the viewer, will be reasonably entertained. What makes Christmas movies different is that we, as the yet-to-be-wooed audience, are willing to suspend our demands of reasonably good writing, a believable story, genuine acting, etc. as long as the Christmas movie does what only Christmas movies can do – they create an experience of nostalgia for something. Often that something may have never even existed for some of us, but the wanting for it is often an even stronger desire than the having.
We expect to be transported to that unique phenomenon of yuletide season that smells like gingerbread and pine trees. We demand the crackle of chestnuts roasting by an open fire and the lightest dusting of snow over the backdrop of lights adorning the Empire State building. We want the tug of emotion that only jingle bells can inspire. We expect our hearts to grow three sizes.
Because of these lofty hopes, we will accept that the protagonist of these films might travel to a country that doesn’t actually exist as long as she finds true love with the playboy prince and relearns the Christmas spirit within 90 minutes. More so, we need the construct to not be so condescending or improbable that we are forced out of the suspension of reality too long to give up on it.
There are standard tropes galore: icy executive lady goes back home and has her heart opened by a childhood flame who never left town; someone gets amnesia/cursed by a magic person/switched with a doppelganger and learns something about the Christmas spirit, etc. These cliches bring us comfort. When done well, you don’t mind the predictability. When done poorly, it’s insulting.
To that end, I have decided to take it upon myself to watch as many Christmas movies as possible available to stream on Netflix, Hulu and Amazon and rate them. I know that a lot of people probably don’t have as much free time as I do right now. In an effort to assist you with your own Christmas movie viewing, I have compiled my notes and ratings below. These ratings are not necessarily a reflection on the quality of the movie, but rather on whether or not they are worth watching. These things are not mutually exclusive. Also, as much as possible, I have written my reviews directly after watching the movie so as to capture my very first impression. Because of that, the reviews are often anecdotal and unedited (i.e. full of grammatical errors).
Finally, it is important to note that the highest honor I will bestow upon any movie, not just Christmas movies, is to call it “rewatchable.” (I’m pretty sure Bill Simmons has this word trademarked, so please don’t sue me, Bill.)
The best movie is not necessarily one that is cinematically most artful or one that wins the most awards. The best movies are the ones that you will gladly elect to watch again over and over even if you have seen them a million times. A movie that whenever it shows up on cable during a holiday marathon you will stop and watch instead of scrolling through a myriad of channels more. Because what we are looking for at Christmas is not something new, but something familiar. Something that makes us sentimental even when that is our least natural state. Something that ignites a primal sense of comfort and ease that makes us feel like we are home again. Especially if you’re someone who never had that kind of a home in reality.
* – Barely watchable.
*½ – Almost watchable.
** – Okay. You can watch it while scrolling your phone.
**½ – Watch this and look up from your phone once in a while.
*** – It’s fine if you watch this, it’s also fine if you don’t, but you might as well since you clicked on it.
***½ – You will not regret the time you spent watching this movie.
**** – Watch this. It’s well worth it.
***** – Rewatchable.
FIVE STARS:
***** Klaus – The origin story of Christmas which turns out to be because of a postmaster who is sent to an island near the North Pole. Animated. I wasn’t going to watch any of the animated movies, but this is so well done it feels like a live drama. It won an Academy Award and I see why. NETFLIX
***** Let it Snow – Multiple teen Christmas romance stories overlap in a small town. One involves a famous pop star who gets stranded in town because of a snowstorm and connects with a girl whose mom is sick and who might not go to Columbia University even though she just got accepted and it’s her dream. A second involves a guy who is in love with his best girl friend who is unable to tell her, and they go and hang out with a guy that asks her out and antics ensue. A third involves a girl who is a waitress at the Waffle House and a girl she had a hot date with who isn’t out as gay to her friends yet. A fourth story involves a girl in a toxic relationship with a guy who isn’t good enough for her. Also there’s a kid who wants to be a DJ. Everything is resolved at a party at the end of the movie. It’s very sweet. NETFLIX
FOUR STARS:
**** Holiday in the Wild – A woman gets dumped by her shitty husband on the same day their only kid goes away to college. He says they’re just not in love anymore. She had a second honeymoon planned as a surprise for her soon to be ex-husband and so she goes on the trip alone to Zambia. While she’s there, a chance occurrence means she is brought to a rescue center for elephants. She ends up staying and working at the rescue center because she was actually a veterinarian before she quit her job to support her shitty soon-to-be-ex-husband. She falls in love with the pilot who works there, too. I love Kristin Davis and I love elephants and Rob Lowe is very cute in this. NETFLIX
**** Happiest Season – Girl goes home with her girlfriend for Christmas but the girlfriend is not out to her family, so they have to pretend to be straight roommates and a bunch of stupid shit happens. Dan Levey and Aubrey Plaza make this worth watching again. I also love Kristen Stewart’s outfits. Everyone you like is probably talking about this movie so at the very least you should watch it so you can have an opinion about how it turns out. HULU
THREE ½ STARS
*** ½ A Christmas Prince – Writer lady from a big city goes to a fake kingdom (Aldovia) to cover a press conference about a prince taking over for his recently deceased dad. Writer lady mistakenly becomes the new tutor for the prince’s disabled sister who starts out as a brat and turns into a really sweet girl. She also realizes that the prince’s bad boy image is just shitty PR, and they fall in love. Some silly royal antics ensue but they end up together.
Sequels – A Christmas Prince The Royal Wedding (***) and A Christmas Prince The Royal Baby (** 1/2) The sequels get progressively more absurd and poorly written but they’re fine enough. NETFLIX
*** ½ Dash & Lily – NY Teens fall in love by writing each other notes in a notebook the girl leaves on the shelf at The Strand during Christmas. They take turns leaving it throughout the city as they get to know each other and experience each other’s version of New York. That’s actually the best part of this. You get to see the city when it is not in a pandemic. The teens are very authentically NYC kids because they travel all over the place and know everyone and talk like adults. I like that no one is traditionally good-looking. The lead female character is half Asian and adorably weird. The music is good. It would have been better as a movie and not a series and if it was a movie, I would have given it a higher rating. But each episode is short so you can watch all of them in one sitting. NETFLIX
*** ½ The Christmas Chronicles 1 – Two kids have a firefighter dad who dies in the line of duty, and he was the one that made Christmas a big thing in their house. One year later, their mom works all night on Christmas Eve and the two kids stay up to see if they can see the real Santa. They do. They have adventures. Kurt Russell’s depiction of Santa is what I think he would actually be like. The writers for this movie did a really good job coming up with technology/magic that would make it feasible to deliver billions of toys in one night. It wasn’t completely America-centric. Goldie Hawn makes a surprise cameo at the end, and she is adorable.
Sequel – Christmas Chronicles 2 (***) The kids are older, the mom meets a new guy, Goldie Hawn gets more screen time. NETFLIX
*** ½ Jingle Jangle – A brilliant toymaker has his book of inventions stolen by his apprentice and he ends up losing everything, including his family. His granddaughter comes back to town years later when he has already given up and started running the toy store as a pawn shop. The granddaughter helps him rediscover his powers because she’s brilliant and talented just like him. It is an exceptionally diverse cast which is a huge plus. I’m not really into musicals, but the little girl is fantastic and has a great voice. If you hate musicals, subtract a star. NETFLIX
*** ½ Christmas Inheritance – Heiress to a gift conglomerate who is also a New York party girl is sent back to Maine by her dad to fulfill the company’s Christmas tradition and redeem herself. She goes by bus with no money and is forced to travel incognito, so she doesn’t get special treatment by the locals. While she’s there, she falls in love with a local good guy who helps her relearn the spirit of Christmas. This is a perfect example of bad writing and bad acting but inexplicably enjoyable. Maybe it’s because of Andie McDowell. NETFLIX
*** ½ The Knight Before Christmas – A knight from the 14th century gets sent forward in time to 2019 by a crone who sets him on a quest to become a true knight and fulfill his destiny. A local girl hits him with her car and takes him in thinking he has amnesia. He does a bunch of good deeds in the small town, and she falls in love with him. Another example of horrible writing and bad acting, but extremely watchable. The guy that plays the knight is just so goofy and likable. NETFLIX
THREE STARS
*** Operation Christmas Drop – A Congressional aide is sent to Guam to investigate a military base that brings toys and medicine to needy islands. She is a cynical hard ass because she’s trying to get a promotion but then falls in love with the maverick pilot who is in charge of the operation and helps remind her of why she got into public service. Apparently, it’s based on a true story, not the love story, but the military operation. It has all the elements of a good bad Christmas movie but the leads are a little too annoying to be likable so I don’t know if I would watch it again by choice, but if someone else was watching it and I was in the same room I wouldn’t be mad, but I would probably look through TikTok the whole time. NETFLIX
*** Christmas Perfection A woman whose parents divorced when she was young becomes a perfectionist in an attempt to gain control of her life. She has a male best friend that she grew up with who is always by her side but is messy and imperfect. On Thanksgiving they get in a fight when she’s setting up her Irish Christmas village decorations because she wants the village to be her vision of perfection. The next morning she wakes up inside her Christmas village. Her parents are happily married, it’s Christmas every day and everything is perfect. Obviously, she learns that perfection is boring, and she is actually in love with her best friend. I started out not liking this because the protagonist is really annoying, but she gets likable as she learns her lesson. HULU
*** A Christmas Movie Christmas Two sisters who look Filipina to me live together “in the city” and one of them (Eve) is obsessed with Christmas movies (umm. . .is this movie about me?) and a bit of a pushover at work with her boss who calls her by the wrong name. The other sister (Lily) is cynical about relationships and hasn’t had a real one in ten years. They go for a walk on Christmas Eve and make wishes to a street Santa. Eve wishes for her life to be a Christmas movie and they both fall asleep and wake up in. . . .a Christmas movie. The thing that makes this watchable is that they are aware they are in a movie trope and make comments throughout about why things happen as they happen to them. Even though they are aware that they’re going to have to save the town’s Christmas carnival by Eve partnering with the local inn keeper who she falls in love with, they still actually fall for the stupid movie tropes and end up having their Christmas miracles. Maybe it’s because I watched this at 2am because I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep, but I liked this movie. HULU
*** The Holiday Calendar A “starving artist” photographer named Abby gets a magical advent calendar that belonged to her grandmother. Her male best friend (also a photographer) who has been traveling the world returns home from being away for a while. Every day, one calendar door opens by itself, and a toy is revealed that symbolizes something that ends up happening that day. Abby ends up dating some other guy and hurting her best friend’s feelings. He leaves and she gets made and gets rid of the calendar and she realizes she made a big mistake. At the end, her best friend comes back and helps her realize her dream of owning her own studio and being a real artist. I started out ready to hate this movie because I didn’t want to see the best friend’s heart get broken like you know it will. But he’s not a complete pushover which is refreshing. And the cast is diverse which is cool. NETFLIX
*** The Princess Switch If you are a fan of Parent Trap style movies, you can add a star or two to this rating. Movies like this make me hope to meet a doppelganger since it seems that everyone has one according to these films. Vanessa Hudgens is Stacy/Margaret, and she is absolutely delightful. As Stacy, she’s a baker from Chicago who goes to Belgravia with her best male friend/sous chef to compete in a baking contest. As Lady Margaret from Montenaro she is set to marry the prince of Belgravia and has the most absurd accent. Why is it that people who play royalty of fake kingdoms in movies always have pseudo-British accents? She just says “shed-jewel” instead of “schedule” all the time. Anyway, Lady Margaret asks Stacy to switch places so she can see what it’s like to be a normal girl before she marries the prince. They both accidentally fall in love with each other’s partners. Antics ensue. Everyone learns life lessons and it’s Christmas. It’s also important to note that this is one of two Netflix produced movies that has the characters watch Netflix during the movie. It’s brilliant advertising. It’s not a bad time. NETFLIX
TWO ½ STARS
**½ The Princess Switch 2: Switched Again Genetics runs deep in this family tree because there’s another one who looks just like Stacy and Margaret but she’s blonde and obnoxious. There’s a happy ending but this one takes the absurdity level up just a bit too much. I skipped a big chunk and just watched the end.
**½ Get Santa Santa crashes his sleigh somewhere in England and gets arrested. A guy named Steve who is let out of jail that same day reunites with his son, and they are roped into trying to spring Santa from jail and save Christmas. There’s a lot of misunderstandings and misadventures that you can probably predict. It’s not bad, and I think the fact that it’s British makes it more watchable, but I skipped big parts of it to get to the end. It’s fine. NETFLIX
TWO STARS
** Christmas with a View – Restaurateur lady goes back home to a ski town in… I think Colorado (?) after failing at opening her own restaurant in Chicago. Hot new celebrity chef who seems like a real asshole on television starts working at the place she is managing. They fall in love, and he helps her realize that her dream of owning her own place could be achieved right in her own backyard. The protagonist seems to appear in a lot of other holiday films so this must be her niche but she’s a terrible actress and the restaurant workings are too far from realistic for me to get into the story too much. Why would there be fresh vegetables just decorating the kitchen everywhere? There would not! NETFLIX
** A Christmas in Vermont Full disclosure, I fell asleep for about 20 minutes a little over halfway through the movie, but I woke up again for the last half hour. I feel pretty confident that I didn’t miss much. One thing I have to say after having now viewed around thirty Christmas movies is that a lot of the female protagonists seem to have uncharacteristically “deep” or “raspy” voices. Perhaps this is to help portray them as “businessy” or “unconventional.” Anyway, that is true again for Riley – the lead of this film. She has been tasked by her boss (Chevy Chase playing a hardass curmudgeon) to go to Vermont and liquidate an outerwear company that his now deceased partner took a liking to and bought years ago. She goes in guns blazing, typical NYC fish out of water scenario and butts heads with the new head of the company, some guy who kinda looks like Patrick Dempsey. She also befriends the former founder of the company, which is called OutWear, and he is obviously a kind, old, recently widowed man who helps soften and humanize her tough exterior. At some point she decides to help them instead of firing everyone. Falls in love with Patrick Dempsey looking guy. End. HULU
MOVIES I DIDN’T FINISH BECAUSE I JUST COULDN’T
** Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square – I love Dolly, but this is not my cup of tea. It’s a variety Christmas show with mediocre musical numbers and a message about peace and love. Maybe I wasn’t in the right mindset when I tried to watch it, but I don’t think I would bother again. Meh. NETFLIX
* ½ Bad Moms Christmas – I liked the Bad Moms first movie and if you like them, too, you’ll like this because it’s basically their Christmas special. I’m sure it’s funny(-ish), but it wasn’t funny enough to hold my attention for long. I like all the lead actresses, but their storylines were annoying. NETFLIX
* Cinderella Story Christmas Wish – How many Cinderella Christmas movies do we need? Several. However, this one is so poorly done and cringe worthy that I couldn’t watch it. Pass. NETFLIX
*½ Christmas Survival – A rich and famous sister returns home to England to the house where she grew up and her sister, who shuns technology and wears frumpy clothes, is living there and fixing the place up. I thought I would like it because I like British comedy, but it’s only British and not a comedy. NETFLIX
* Christmas in California – For some reason – I’m guessing poor writing – every 30 minutes or so, this movie has an instrumental montage to forward the story along and you kind of wish they’d just keep moving it along until the movie is only 20 minutes long. It’s that bad. The story sounds like a typical absurd Christmas movie, but this one is even worse. Asshole city guy has to make this one deal happen or he won’t inherit the family company. The deal involves getting a lady to sell her farm in Napa which she’ll never do because it’s her family’s farm and her dad died, and her mom has cancer. He pretends to be a farm hand and accidentally falls in love with her. They have no chemistry, and the writing is horrendous. Netflix is seriously just making every script they get at this point. NETFLIX
* Christmas in the Smokies – From what I can gather there’s a woman living on a farm, and she’s stressed out because they are broke, and the bank is going to foreclose on the land and sell it to some guy who wants to make it into condos or something. An obnoxious country star who is from that same town comes back to stay with them because he makes a fool of himself on television and needs to hide out. I assume he helps her save the farm and they fall in love. I stopped watching because it got a little religious and hokey which is fine for some but not for me. NETFLIX
* Christmas Wedding Planner – I am about 35 minutes into this movie and I feel fairly confident that I will not keep watching it. It’s like this movie got made on an iPhone and they wrote the script as they kept going. The protagonist – Kelsey – is easily one of the worst actors I’ve ever seen in a Christmas movie and that’s saying something. The plot is something about a Christmas wedding and a private investigator ex-boyfriend and the protagonist is a wedding planner. I won’t even explain it like there’s a real plot. Joey Fatone from N*SYNC makes an appearance.
This Is Not Cake. 